Condom’s Query

 

COLUMN: Tunnel of Time 

By Shevlin Sebastian

A huge cry erupted in Condom Parliament on the first day of the Assembly session: “Condoms of the world unite!”

After the shouting died down, all the multi-coloured condoms sat down and waited for the Prime Minister Adam Condom to speak.

The PM cleared his throat and said, “For much too long, we have been an exploited group. We are probably the only group in the world who work to exhaustion on holidays like Christmas, Holi, Diwali, Independence Day, the Pujas and the numerous bandhs. We rarely get a break at all.

“Except when a man suffers from a slipped disc or his wife has left him or he is full of ‘Old Monk’ rum (then he behaves like an old monk himself). Otherwise, it is just work, work, work all the time.

“And the most bitter pill to swallow (my apologies here to my birth-control friends) is that the condom companies do not give us a share of the profits. And yet, we have seen how, at the end of every month, company executives take their profits (in crores of rupees) in their suitcases to the banks and to their homes.”

Prime Minister Adam Condom stopped speaking and gazed at the condoms sitting in tiers in front of him.

He raised his right fist and shouted: “I have a dream! I have a dream that one day we will be recognised as a proper industry, with proper working hours, and with provident fund and gratuity paid to us. We should also be given incentives for reducing the world population so easily and cheaply.

“I have a dream that one day condom companies will share their profits with us. We must stop being second-class citizens. It’s time to shoot from the lip, rather than the hip… now I have a few suggestions to make.

“Firstly, we should give more money to Amnesty Condom International, so that they can document condom ill-treatment throughout the world. I have heard that in war-torn Ethiopia, the air force pilots are going crazy. They are using one condom for several sorties. The reason is that they are too poor to buy more condoms. (Question: what has happened to the proceeds from the Band Aid concert?). The result is that our Ethiopian brethren are grossly overworked.

“Nkoma Bwana, the Ethiopian PM told me over the phone that that no sooner had his countrymen returned from an all-night raid, that they were asked to go out again. Some of them have died of exhaustion. This is an extreme form of exploitation. It reminds me of bonded labour condoms in our great state of Bihar, ruled by that tyrant, Kaka Kaloo (Education: Class two failed).”

“Hear, hear,” the Condom Parliamentarians said, banging their palms on the desks in front of them.

“I have also heard about the over-use of condoms by dictator Bad Man Badmaash of Iraq. Ever since he managed to stay in power after the great war and now that President Big Cat Bush has lost the American election, he has gone into a frenzy of celebrations.

“Condoms in Iraq say that they are partying 24 hours a day, and most of them are dog tired. And let me add here, and I request the Condom Press not to report it, since children also read newspapers, that Bad Man Badmaash does not even spare dogs. I’m sorry to say that it’s a dog’s world in Iraq.

“Secondly, we need more money for STUDS [Sudden Totally Unexpected Deflation Syndrome] research. In places like Santa Calcutta, the bold and the beautiful are leading such active lives that STUDS is the inevitable result. After all, we know from personal experience that no man is a machine.

“We need to find a vaccine to combat this growing disease. Otherwise, our livelihood will be threatened. Also, in order to create national awareness, the Rubber Dealers’ Association is hosting a seminar with the theme, ‘We need studs, not STUDS!’ International STUDS fighter Elizabeth Taylor will inaugurate the seminar.

“But, you know, it’s so sad that although we care so much for human beings, they care two hoots about our welfare. All they want is a good time. After all, we have seen what happens regularly, late at night. Then the man returns from the party, accompanied by a beautiful woman, a complete stranger, and after he has persuaded her that he can show her the way to heaven, how desperately he comes in search of us.

“He checks his wallet, looks under the pillow, raises the mattress, opens the drawer in the cupboard and peeks into the medicine cabinet in the bathroom. At that moment, they make us feel like the way the US treats China: most favoured nation. But once they have used us, and you must have experienced this, with what contempt and disregard they flush us down the toilet. I mean, we work so hard and we get nothing in return. And in the words of our greatest dramatist, Stiffspeare, ‘We doth protest too little’.”

Prime Minister Adam Condom paused and then he said, in a soft voice, “I am sorry to sound so pessimistic. So here’s a joke:

Question: why are the babus of Condom Writer’s Building similar to sperms?

Answer: Because one in a million works!”

The Condom Parliament, along with the PM, broke out into loud laughter.

“I end my speech,” Adam Condom said, a smile still on his face, “with felicitations to our sister, Kama Sutra Condom for becoming such a hit among the young generation in India. The other day, while I was at work at the Italian Ambassador’s residence in Chanakyapuri, his son barged into the room and said, ‘Papa and Mama, do you know what comes between Meenakshi, my Indian girlfriend and me?’

“And when his parents shook their heads, the son answered, ‘Why KS, of course!’ Such is her popularity. It has spread through the length and breadth of India.”

Kama Sutra Condom stood up, looking ravishing in a short, frilly pink dress. The Condom Parliament erupted in sustained applause.

She said, in a husky voice, “Down with South Korean-made condoms. We need better rights, better money and more media attention for the working condom. Three cheers!”

(Published in Fantasy Magazine, January, 1994)