Only local dogs allowed!

By Shevlin Sebastian

News item: Home Minister Kodiyeri Balakrishnan has said the government plans to include more dogs in the canine squad of the State Police.

When Kennel Minister Kay Bee announces that more dogs are needed for the Kerala police canine squad, there is great excitement among the dogs in the state.

“Here is our chance,” says Prem Alsatian to his wife Susheela. “During this worldwide recession, there is nothing better than a government job. You get a regular salary and good benefits.”

But little does Prem know that dogs from other states in India have also taken note of the announcement.

At the selection centre, at Thuiruvananthapuram, there are numerous dogs present. Prem immediately realises that the chances of getting selected are quite difficult.

He calls up Taj Barkbark of the Kerala Navnirman Sena. “All types of dogs have come,” he says. “We have to do something.”

Taj says, “Don’t worry. I am going to announce an agitation. Only Keralites should get selection. We are the local dogs. Why should dogs from outside the State get a chance?”

Taj tells his goondas to launch an attack on North Indian dogs. So, Bengali Dachshunds, Bihari Pomeranians, Punjabi Dobermans, and Rajasthani terriers are beaten up.

Several dogs are bleeding from the jaws, although all of them are gnashing their teeth. Television channels, ‘Dogs Now’, ‘Dogs Today’ and ‘Dog News Network’ (DNN) are repeatedly airing the images of the violence.

Former Union Dog Minister Palu Lasad goes on national TV and says, “Dogs from all over India should be allowed to take part. Doggone it, the best should be selected. We have to fight the terrorists.”

Taj replies, “No way. First we will fight the Northies, then the Pakis.”

Meanwhile, Delhi-based psychiatrist, Bow Wow, says, “Dogs from Kerala suffer from an inferiority complex. They don’t want competition, they just want a quota system, the cowardly bunch of Leftists!”

The Chief Dog in the Kerala Assembly, Veenarayi Peejan, says, “We take offence to that statement. Bow Wow is a mentally-deranged Rightist.”

Meanwhile, the Sena disrupts the selection process. All the dogs leave the centre. Kay Bee is at his wit’s end. Finally, he says, “There is only one option left. Men who behave like dogs will be eligible for selection.”

Veenarayi Peejan shakes Kay Bee’s hand and tells the Assembly, “In other words, only politicians will be selected.”

(A slightly different version appeared in The New Indian Express, Kochi)