Says
India's leading sexologist, Prakash Kothari
By
Shevlin Sebastian
Photo by Ratheesh Sundaram
Rohinton
Farzad, 46, and his wife Donya, 42, were in anguish. For 22 years,
their marriage had not been consummated. Because of this, Rohinton
was suffering from anxiety and depression, while Donya felt
frustrated that she could not have children. The upper middle-class
Parsi couple consulted many doctors, psychiatrists and psychologists.
Finally, they were referred to the Mumbai-based sexologist Dr.
Prakash Kothari.
Kothari
was not surprised. “Two out of ten people do not know how to
perform in bed,” he says. “That shows how poor sex education is
in the country.”
After
talking at length with the couple, he showed them a miniature plastic
model of a couple making love. To his surprise, Kothari realised that
Rohinton was straddling the hips of his wife. So Kothari showed him
the right way. That night, the couple took a room in a five-star
hotel, and followed Kothari's advice. It turned out to be good news.
Then
Donya told Kothari that she wanted children. So Kothari explained to
her about the monthly menstrual cycle, and suggested that the couple
should try during the second and third weeks. “Amazingly, at such a
late age, Donya became pregnant,” says Kothari. “She gave birth
to twin boys!”
And
every Diwali, for the past few years, the family goes to Kothari's
house, with a box of sweets, and greets him. “I feel so happy when
I see their joy,” says Kothari.
Kothari
is one of the leading sexologists in India. And after four decades,
he says that things are changing. “In the beginning, I did not see
any female patients,” says Kothari. “Even when I opened the
world's first outpatient department for sex at KEM Hospital, very few
women would come. But today the pattern has changed.”
A
young woman will call up and say, “Doctor, all my friends are
enjoying sex, but I am not. Am I abnormal?” Or a lady will say,
“Doc, you had better treat my husband. He is not performing well.
Otherwise, I will walk out of the marriage.”
The
most common problem for men is erectile dysfunction. “A man should
realise failures are common, but that does not mean it is the end,”
says Kothari. "As a result, they move from effective sexual
performance, to varying degrees of impotence, because of one
failure.”
To
these traumatised people, Kothari gives the example of cricket legend
Sachin Tendulkar. “He scores a century in the first innings, then
gets bowled out for zero in the second innings,” he says. “Does
that mean Sachin cannot score a century in the next innings? He can.
So I always emphasise the fact that failures are common but that does
not mean an end to the sex life.”
Indeed,
for some, there is no end, whatsoever. Kothari's oldest patient is a
90-year-old man. “He wanted to improve his performance,” says a
smiling Kothari. “Since he had a testosterone deficiency, I gave
him an injection.” Incidentally, this deficiency can be overcome by
a diet which is rich in black gram and fenugreek seeds.
Kothari
says, “Sex has no expiry date. It is disuse which leads to atrophy,
and not the use.”
Interestingly,
women, especially menopausal ones, also have problems. “Most women
tell themselves that they have a reproductive, rather than a sexual
desire,” says Kothari. “She will tell herself, 'I want a child,
so I am indulging in sex'. But after menopause, this defense is no
longer available. She cannot ask for sex, but wants it very much. So
she gets worried, but feels shy to articulate her feelings.”
Sometimes,
sex can be painful for a woman. However, there could be a physical
reason: a deficiency of estrogen. So, Kothari recommends a diet,
which is rich in soya bean, tofu, green vegetables and pulses.
Meanwhile,
when asked for tips for an improved performance, Kothari says, “The
four-letter word is TALK,” he says. “Communication is very
important. You should find out the likes and dislikes of your
partner. You must devote time for foreplay. There are plenty of
erogenous zones in the body. The skin is the largest sensual organ.
So touch is very important. If you kiss somebody, it is touch. If you
shake hands, it is touch. If you console somebody, it is touch. And
touch releases a hormone called oxytocin. This is a love hormone. It
creates a sense of togetherness.”
Unfortunately,
togetherness is declining. Rising incomes, the mobile and the
Internet has led to a rise in pre and extra-marital affairs. “A
flower in someone else's garden looks more attractive, especially
when you ignore your own,” says Kothari. “But I would advise
people to cultivate their own garden. The four pillars of a good
marriage are honesty, affection, trust and love. An affair damages
the marriage, when it comes to light.”
Incidentally,
Kothari had come to Kochi to inaugurate a conference on sexology. He
is frank enough to say that he has a lot of Malayali patients, from
Kerala, as well as the Middle East. But after seeing more than 60,000
patients in a 45-year career, he admits that around 95 per cent of
the people suffer from sexual problems. “But it can all be worked
out and solutions can be found,” says Kothari.
(The
New Indian Express, Kochi and Thiruvananthapuram)
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