The Kochi Assembly of dogs is in session!

COLUMN: FREEWHEELING

By Shevlin Sebastian

News item (Kochi): The Ombudsman for Local Self Government has directed all the local bodies to stop illegal and inhuman killing of stray dogs

There was a mood of jubilation in the Kochi Assembly of dogs. “This is a great victory for dog rights,” shouted Chief Minister Anik Alsatian to other Alsatians, Dobermans, Pomeranians, Cocker Spaniels, Hounds and Daschunds sitting in tiers in front of him. “There will be no more random killing of dogs.”

“Anik Alsatian Zindabad!” shouted the dogs, as they raised their paws.

Anik spoke about how he met the Bombudsdog, who had the power to stop the killings, and pleaded with him. “So many families have lost their bread-winner because of this random slaying of stray dogs by local body workers,” Anik had said. “Why should dogs be killed just because they are walking on the streets? True, they sometimes fart and defecate and make love all over the place. What’s wrong with that?”

Pammi Pomeranian, a women’s representative, said, “We have always tried to be man’s best friend, but they have repeatedly called us strays, or dogs of loose character. To quote our late leader, Labram Lilcoln, ‘We should aspire for a government of the dogs, by the dogs, for the dogs’.”

Another member, said, “Yes, we want to live in a dog’s world.”

It was then that Top Dog, the superstar of dog movies and a MA (Member of the Assembly), threw up his sunglasses. It hit the roof of the Assembly and when it came down it fell perfectly on his nose. After the ensuing applause had died down, he said, “For our protection, I can ensure that members of my fan’s association can be trained to form a bulldog squad.”

A 110-year-old Doberman, wearing thick-lensed spectacles, immediately stood up, his legs and tail trembling, and said, “Every dog should have his day, but we should opt for peaceful means.”

Immediately, the North Indian immigrant, Kala Kutha (a member of the Black Dog Commandos, which protects the Chief Minister), said, “Once a man slapped me on the right cheek. In true non-violent tradition, I showed him my other cheek. Do you know what he did? He shoved a screwdriver up my nose.”

Chief Minister Anik said, “Kala Kutha, please don’t be provocative.”

Superstar Top Dog said, “No, we are being proactive. Otherwise, we will all lie like sleeping dogs. What we need is war, not peace. ”

Unnerved by the tone of the discussions, Anik nodded to the Speaker who quickly said, “This session is going to the dogs. The Assembly is adjourned.”

(The New Indian Express, Kochi)